I wish ……
30
Apr
I got my trainers out – they are fun and they are bright……
and should not be in the cupboard
is it easy to loose focus and slip back into old routines of too much time in front of the computer and the reality of too little exercise???
But hey, bloggers are not guilty of this – are they???…….
Would love to hear of anyone who has ever had THIS particular problem??!!
My idea is this time to not fall back after a few days …but to THIS time really see it through untill I reap the rewards… I NEED to – not only for my own health ….but I owe it to my kids – to be a happy, healthy mom.
I WISH……
Having her room one floor above the rest of the bedrooms means that there are often times days gone by without anyone going into her room…
I lied awake the night before, thinking how I miss being with her and that one day I will realize that I did not spend enough time with her – and how that would be too late….
She deserves more and she is gonna get more !!
She is DARLING, she is FUN, she is BEAUTIFUL and she is most of all MINE !!!
Taking action the next evening, I decided to go up in her room and kiss her goodnight –
just like I used to go every night when she was younger –
before she became so independent and self-organised.
I was shocked when I realised that I had not been into her room for a while now….
She always comes to us – we hardly go to her
…sad to see that she had already fallen asleep, I was still glad that I went……
I saw a notebook lying on her desk – and how ironic when I opened it and on the first page it said (written some months ago already) :
” I wish I had more time with my mom…”
That made me SAD….
– sad for the time lost already
– sad for a thought expressed by my daugther which means there is an empty space somewhere…
despite all the time we DO spend together
– an empty space created by the busy-ness of our lives…..
but also GLAD…
– glad that I felt the same way before I read her little notebook….
and glad that I realised it today and not one day when it is too late to go back and make up for it…
Life is demanding and an oldest and a youngest have high demands…
A MIDDLE CHILD desires the same…but accepts more
ask the same…but doesn’t always get the same
I had this IDEA of one day being my daughter’s best friend……
REALITY is that there is never enough time to do all the things we want to do..
REALITY is that I often make excuses of things that need to take priority over her requests of time with me…
REALITY is that we all make mistakes and that it is overwhelming to juggle all the balls in the air at the same time
REALITY is that we do have a LOT of family time and it is still not enough….
and even the IDEA me and her had a few years ago to start a “Girlie Club”has given way to the REALITY that we never find the time to do all the things we had put on the list….
REALITY is that I do not want it to be this way, but it is…
THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA…..
She is so understanding
But she is craving time with me…
…and I do too…
it is FINDING the TIME…..
but I am the one who has the power in hand to prioritize, to make time and to build the relationship as much as I can while I can!
I wish for more time in a day…
I am sure we all do…
but MY IDEA is to try and focus on more time with her..
she absolutely THRIVES when I do that
There could be nothing more rewarding than the feeling that you have had the best of times with your loved ones while you had them around
And nothing more regrettable than the feeling that you did not have enough time with your loved ones while you had them around
I am wondering if there are mothers out there who have had those experiences……
I wish to stick to my exercise routine…but MUCH MUCH more than that…
I wish for more time with my daughter
I WISH for this to happen
I HOPE it will…
I am going to try to make this wish come true !
Ilze
My new friends
26
Apr
Ilze
Time to get up …..
23
Apr
Our little puppy is quickly growing up….
listening…learning….and becoming a character of his own!!
Very alarming then when I saw him yesterday lying down while drinking from his water bowl??? Have to admit the kids thought it was hillarious !!
Did this happen while nobody was paying attention?? Too busy with our things and not giving him any exercise?
Ok..I admit – lately I have also felt like doing this…not even getting up to do the basic neccessities !!
But – this is not going to get ANY of us ANYWHERE !!!
And this was not our idea when we decided to get a puppy…to create a lazy dog…taking life lying down!!
Time to get up…
Time to get out….
Time to face life again…
get back on our (my) feet….
and take on the world and the things I HAVE to and WANT to do…with both (or is that FOUR ) legs on the ground !!!!!
Time to turn all my IDEAS into great REALITIES !!
Life is too short NOT to….!
Ilze
Through the eyes of an Alzheimer patient…
20
Apr
Eyes are the windows to the Soul!
This week I had to travel a very very far distance to go help and be there for my mother leaving home to a place of care for Alzheimer patients…the only one in town. This certainly has been one of the worst realities of our family’s path that we had no choice but to just deal with….
Slowly over the past seven years we have watched my mother deteriorate..but nothing as dramatic as the past 3 months…
When I saw her last in December 2009, she still had some sparkle in her eye…recognising all of us – kids and grandkids…
This week, I was saddened to notice her eyes looking straight at me..as if a blind person…not recognising any of us…..her eyes were glazy and gloom and it was as if there was no soul behind them.
Alzheimers robbed her of her personality and has left her with some outbursts of anger and trauma. This, while the certificate of her being named the town’s friendliest person and friendship person of note – awarded by the City Council, proudly hangs on the wall of her bleak room…
This is what we see looking into her eyes from the outside. Who will ever know what she sees looking from within to the outside world? We have no idea what she might still know and what not..as she is unable to structure and organise her thoughts and words.
One of the patients asked me how it is possible that he was locked up in jail (referring to the steel gate that keeps them in)…..if he had done nothing…..?! He is awaiting trial (he says)…but nobody can tell him what his crime was..
And that is the sad part – it has nothing to do with their own doing….no crime on their part….it is something that just came upon each of the 22 patients in this fascility…all of them at a different stage of the disease.
To drop her off just days after their 50th wedding anniversary, has been and will be a traumatic event for a very long time for my father who is still going to his office every day…still a working citizen.
You can never mistake what is going on in someone’s soul when you look into their eyes….
Looking into my mothers eyes made me realize that there is no return…there is no other option but making peace with this reality … there is very little left there….
And when I left to come back home…. I could not say goodbye… I simply had to leave…. telling her that I would be back the next day…..feeling guilty but also glad that she would not know that the next day would only be in eight months’ time when I will return back “home”….
Kids are suppose to leave home…not parents…
But through the eyes of an Alzheimer patient…the world becomes a blur and nothing make sense anymore….
…sometimes because it does not make sense….
….and sometimes because THEY can not make sense out of the things that still have meaning..
Robbing them is a crime…not on anyone’s account..but the family is left with the emptiness of it all…
But the grateful part comes into the fact that she had a good, full life and lived life to the full each and every day she had the presence of mind…and for this lesson, I am thankful to my mother ..if only I can be as good as she was fulfilling this philosophy…!
Ilze
Replacing the old with the new…
5
Apr
Today our wooden decks are being replaced…
Over the past 10 years the elements have taken its toll on it – bruised and beaten by the weather mainly….. but it has now finally reached the point where the severe conditions won the battle and the temporary fixes are not good enough anymore …. the old wood is simply being ripped off and replaced !
Ilze
April Fools….!
1
Apr
Today is the 1st of April…why did I not even hear one April fool’s joke today??
Did that go out of fashion while I was busy doing other things???
Anyway – it has now been one month since I started this blog…
Yes…”I started a blog..”
and every time I say that to someone….I hear the Bee Gees brothers inside my head
“I started a joke…..
….which started the whole world crying,
But I didn’t see that the joke was on me, oh no.
I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
Oh, if I’d only seen that the joke was on me.”
I hope my blog is making you laugh …. or cry…..or both…….
whichever it does.. and irrespective of whichever one my intention was…or was not…
Maybe I do not see that the joke is on me…
But just to re-assure you –
my blog is not an April fool’s joke….
it will still be here tomorrow
and it will still then be for REAL…it is now my REALITY...
and it has given me a place to come laugh…or cry….
and today it actually made somebody laugh…and cry….
Thanks for telling me that!
and that made it a great IDEA….even if it wasn’t my idea.….
“I started a joke…. I mean….a BLOG….!”
…and the joke’s on me….
Happy reading !
Ilze
Misshaps at my Medical exam !
30
Mar
Today I had a FULL medical exam… I mean FULL!! Something I have never ever had on ONE day for things I dont even worry about…and especially not in a place where I was the ONLY foreigner and everyone HARDLY spoke any English! I thought it would be just “no problem”… as I have grown so accustomed to in this life we live !
I have wanted to do this for a long time (the anxiety around the sudden signs of ageing that appeared out of nowhere prompted me (and of cause the lady at the massage parlour – refer Massage Madness – who told me how weak and stressed my body is…) … so my friend had the brilliant idea of going the other day …and I followed her idea and did the same !
Reality ended up a little more challenging (and laughable) than just “no problem!”
First of all – after arriving there – a very well presented lady at the front desk volunteered filling in my form….she asked VERY little info for someone they are about to check head to toe?? ….so while she was still busy with the sketchy info, my mind started to wander….”why did she ask for my husband’s company name? He is not even mentioned on the form anywhere? “
“Sorry – may I ask WHY you wanted company details?”
“Name company we search address and mail results”..
“WHAT??? My full report on every single body part I have in and on my body will be send first of all SOMEWHERE to a corporate address…. who knows if it ends up in some office newsletter one day…..or actually… WORSE – it might actually find its right way to the company where my husband is CEO and one of only 2 foreigners – note the sensational value?? Imagine the wonderful insight they will get into my full lifespan of neglecting my health…all the little aches and pains I listed and the minute details of what all my intestines look like??! Not to even mention my weight and height and way too high BMI??? Because if I say FULL, that means I got even a BRAIN scan….and what if they discover there is something a little off there….that might explain a whole lot , dont you think?! By the way – I did get “THE LOOK”..when she weighed me later in the day…and the LOOK needed NO translation thank you !!
But back to my results – Thank goodness I caught that one before it went out in the mail…. let’s just HOPE now she understood the part of PLEASE TAKE THAT OUT AND MAIL TO ME !!!!! ME!!!!! and ONLY ME !!!!!!
Sighing a sigh of relief , I realised that my wonderful i-phone has just DIED again, while I was in this serious conversation – not the first time happening…just NO RESPONSE. Again one of the little joys of living in a country where i-phone was only introduced 2 months ago……whenever the software gets updated..the phone bombs out…..UNEXPECTEDLY and when you need it MOST !!
Panic attack nr 2 …this time because she did NOT ask for my husband’s name or number? What if I AM in the middle of some bloodwork, get dizzy, pass out….who will they call?? And my lifeline was my phone at this point…my only contact with the outside world where somebody could REALLY understand me if I see things go wacky in this clinic?? What if I got admitted to a mental institute instead of a medical institute??? How will I get out? They don’t even know who to call in case of emergency?? No wonder my blood pressure was too high the first time they took it so they had to send me back later in the morning to check it again (btw – this has NEVER in my live happened before – high blood pressure?!) I took a few deep breaths…I can do this…with or without phone….going back to add my husband’s details will send us back on the track of sending the results in some other direction again… let’s just forget that they don’t even have my full names …(since my friend made the appointment on sketchy details i left her !)
To the assistant’s credit of trying to be complete in broken English – she did ask me “Any complaints?”… I rambled off a few medical matters…. thinking she might be the last person today who speaks SOME English….and it might be relevant….untill she replied “oh- you tell doctor, not me”….Well, yeah…thanks for asking then?!! And for leaving me rambling my personal weaknesses to the reception crowd??!
Let me just set the scene..this clinic is purely for full medical check-ups…it looks like an ant farm with little tiny ladies in white dresses and white rubber shoes….each patient (about 100 on the floor at any given point…moving and cruising in and out of offices with glass walls and some solid doors for x-ray rooms…with a central resting area with couches and TV’s…. there is about 20 base stations/ open offices and you get sent between them in random number order and your clipboard follows you…..so the order stays fair and functional !
So before I even got to this crazy maze of mixture medical staff and people longing for longevity..I got sent into the changing rooms… little unsure I turned the corner…saw one door open and briefly saw another one that looked like an exit door…so I entered …little more unsure how I need to undress sort of right in front of an open door…but I have been through this mind exercise already once this morning when I convinced myself I can do it without a phone…I am open-minded…I am alone here but very brave and I will survive…..I can pull off my clothes right there in public and put it in the locker…as if at the spa…it is after all now the locker room and not reception anymore…and especially since no one else around…why not? Hesitating a few more minutes…I got my mind straight..ripped off my clothes and put on the navy pants…still barenaked at the top when a gentleman casually walked in …I could hardly squeek out “hi”….as he went over to his locker in the next row… fiddled a bit and then on the way out mentioned to me…”this is MEN’s” !!! Oh sh*&@!!!…I gathered myself in a split-second…as if “no problem”…..I gave him a sweet smile and very calmly did a “oops…thaaanks??!! And in a MILLIsecond had my clothes back on before ANYONE else could walk in !!
Feeling a bit silly about this misshap – I walked out..double-checked the signs – just to confirm that there ARE NO SIGNS on ANY of the doors..and the ladies change room is actually the one that looked like the FIRE EXIT !
But I have to admit my “little mistake” soon turned into a great thankfulness when I walked into the ant room and realised…rather one guy see my bare boobs than 100 people noticing the 1 foreign lady who happened to be the only one in a navy blue men’s outfit while the other ladies parade around in their bright orange kit !! Phew…again…RELIEF I got spared that little bit of public shame !!
For the next 2 hours I sat quietly being shifted around every time my clipboard got pulled and my name called out. Silently watching CNN… since the volume was off and the subtitles not in English…I dared to ask the lady who came past (the same one “assisting” me at front desk – assuming she has the best English) about a story that sort of tickled my curiosity…
“Excuse me – there is one story on TV and I wondered what it is “
” It is NEWS channel”
“Oh, I know – but ON news, there is this ONE story and I can not understand it…”
“um..sorry – we can not change only for you – everybody watch same…”
” I understand – I just want to know the story is the same over and over and I wondered what it was about..”
“It is about NEWS … we can not change it for you to a story…..”
” I know – I just wanna know this one story ON the news ….what it is ABOUT??…they repeat it over and over and it looks like big news….”
“Yes..it is the news….” …same repeat whole day…cannot change new program….”
“I understand all of that – I just dont understand the English and was curious what they say”
“um – sorry – we can not switch it in English “
I KNOW … I KNOW …and the MORE I explain..the MORE the CONFUSION !!! But how can I let it go, if by NOW…the few people around think I am the village idiot – first time watching CNN…..think I can randomly change channels in a waiting room and watch my own story because it is boring when it repeats over and over….
WHY did I even THINK to ask ???!!! Was THAT a bad idea or what?????
And now I have to deal with the reality of explaining myself to the point where people think …
…oh whatever they are thinking….. I was not thinking….at this point I was just hoping my brain scan is not a blank x-ray that gets mailed to my home adress…(especially since my husband greeted me in the morning “now don’t fail your medical exam today ok?!” ……but then again –
THANK GOODNESS the empty brain picture will be sent home and not to the office !!!
And as I walked back to my locker to get rid of my bright orange uniform…I could only smile and sigh a sigh of relief
……this is all over….!
I dont have a picture of all this palava today…but maybe I can put my brain scan in when I receive it – now THAT’s A BRILLIANT idea for an airhead??!
Ilze
Back to blogging…
29
Mar
Ten days out of country … a country that has blocked everything from facebook to blogsites ! CHINA.
But – a good breakaway from all things techno and everyday to me…
So – in the next few day I can start putting my thoughts together again – trying to come to grips with all the little ideas in my head!
If only I can get past the WASHING??!! And this is only SOME of it…?!
First things first now….
Ilze
Off we go….
20
Mar
It was not such a smart idea to leave dumping 2500 pictures from the camera till this last minute…
All sorts of things go wrong and the reality is that I have no choice but to sit and wait for it to do what needs to be done !
It is 1.10 am in the morning and I have to be up at 4.30 am to get ready to go the airport.
We are taking off for a week’s holiday overseas and I have to clear the memory card or else….
yes…I dont have to explain that we need space for the 5000 more snaps we will happily snap while away!
Ten days of new adventure..hopefully great new inspiring ideas for life as we wander around on foreign territory !
And VERY excited to see my friend..
Gotta go… hope to be back in 10 days .
Ilze
Fresh Flowers
19
Mar
I live by this principle I read once:
“Have nothing in your house that is not either beautiful or practical”
And what more beautiful than having fresh flowers in the house
I absolutely LOVE THAT ! It lifts up my spirit !!
And today my fantastic Pilates teacher TaeSong brought me flowers…that was such a nice idea !!!
After my complete meltdown earlier this week – everybody is reaching out
THANKS ALL !
Ilze
My name is 
