A new day..
18
Mar
A new day is beginning.
Ilze
Mourning…
17
Mar
I am losing my mother…
and today it hit me hard that this is probably the reason why I have had trouble focusing and have felt paralyzed with the result of not getting anything productive done while I have lots to do…. I wrote about this earlier.
I have certainly experienced LOSS before…..
I have moved a couple of times between countries. Each move involves yet another “loss”..loosing the friends you had…”loosing” your house, your immediate support group….your life as you knew it ..
But every loss gets replaced soon with another gain. You will move on to a new house – usually a better one, you will build up new contacts, make new friends, gain new skills and all & all (unless it was not the right decision)…you will have a better life than the one you knew before. And the great thing – even though you are not with your friends anymore – you get to keep some of them for life – even if only over Skype !
But loosing something or someone that can not be replaced is different. Very different.
This past month we lost the puppy….
I almost lost one of my best friends…
I will soon loose my nextdoor neighbor who will move on to another country. She has been my absolute saving grace whenever I had a crisis or even when I did not have milk in the house – she was there…. I think she deserves a whole post on my blog of her own… and loosing her is certainly going to leave a big hole in my life as I know it right now….
But loosing your mother is a big deal…
and loosing her to Dementia means that you loose her before you really loose her.
I have tried to detach from her over the past 6 years as this reality has been staring us in the eye for a long time now…
But when all else around you seems uncertain and becomes unsettled, then that is the time you would typically want to turn to your mother..and that is when I have to deal with the reality that she is not there for me anymore…even though she is still there. And she will never pick up the phone again out of her own doing.. even if I decided to call. It is complicated. And it is tough.
I am thankful that she is still there…to give her a hug and to be with her…only that I live in a different country than her so that reality seems very far away right now. But I am thankful that she is not in pain with a disease like cancer and I am thankful that she was not taken away instantly from us….we have lots and lots of time and opportunity to share her time here…even though her skill-sets have simply dissappeared and her sparkling personality has gone numb. I am so thankful for my dad who is still there – having the brutal task of caring for her along with her helper. And I know he is in a process of mourning of his own….as he is witnessing her rapid decline to her final stage of Alzheimers.
But I also learnt today that I have a lot of caring people around me…Starting with my husband, old friends and even a new friend I made today – another gain amidst the loss…all were there today to pick me up and comfort me in a time where I felt alone, deflated and in a process of mourning over loosing my mother before I have lost her…
Ilze
NO IDEA
16
Mar
Tonight my friend asked me for a great idea to help her choose a name for something..
And so I said…
…blank…
…blank….
…blank… ???!
I have no idea?? How did THAT happen?
It is like my mind has stopped working. Everyday is just filled with SO much admin and other arrangements that creativity and free thinking is flying out the window.
This is not good.
She is asking me and I DONT HAVE ANY IDEAS???
This is not good.
Ilze
Blog crawling
15
Mar
I have a million and one things to do…
So many that I don’t know what to do next – this is happening quite often lately?!
So, what did I do next? None of the things I am supposed to do…..
I clicked on the “next blog” tab at the top of the blog. How fascinating to see just a few of the ZILLION blogs out there!!!!!!
I wonder if there is a way of COUNTING how many blogs there are out there at the moment. Really awesome to see how much effort people put into the design and content of their blogs.
I am a really late-comer to this phenomena – wonder why…?? Will ponder on that and blog about it later when I come up with the reason why…
But for now – I sometimes wonder if the world really needs one more blog? Should I really write – why not just READ???
If everybody blogs…who then has the time to read them?
And what makes the one better than the other?
Or is there just so many people that care about others, that we will never run out of space for yet another newcomer?
Do people really wanna see pictures of my kids and my drawers in my house and my fridge and my dogs, if there are a million other people whose kids, drawers and dogs they could be looking at??
Or maybe it is just all about ourselves….
every person wants to be heard…
every person wants to have an identity…
every person wants to feel like he/ she matters to the rest of the world…..
every person wants to share what is important to him/ her in our own little world….
or even if no one is listening or reading or following…
it is the creative outlet of having a voice…having a podium from which you can shout out your opinion ..or even very quietly express it …
but still – you feel like you matter – relevant….. a sense of belonging to one more community….. you finally have a use for the million useless pictures in you digital gallery….and even only for this ONE reason…you have something to do whenever you have so many things to do that you do none of those.
So, there is really no reason ever to be bored again?!
If you dont blog, you can go blog crawling and visit the millions of blogs out there – and you will NEVER..i bet NEVER run out of blogs to read!!!!
I wonder if this will work with my kids next time they say they are bored…..
“oh, just go bloggin’ would you????!!!
GREAT IDEA
Ilze
Aaaaah…..sweet – or is something up..?
14
Mar
i am blogging – and it is past midnight … why, oh why am I not in bed already??
Waiting for the kids to finish a movie that they started while we were out. Was not my idea to let them start a movie at 11.30 in the evening, but I was not here to nip that idea in the bud when it came about….and now I don’t want to spoil the fun switching it off half-way through…?
Husband fast asleep in the chair – kids wide awake in front of the TV…wondering who I should send to bed? Kids or Dad..?
…came home tonight around midnight and the two kids – famous for their sibling rivalry ….sat upright, on the carpet, tucked in together under a blanket….in front of the TV??! So, what’s up with that? First thought that came to mind was that they had done something terrible while we were out and are now cahoots to form a bond and tell us shortly whatever it is they need to share with us… That’s the only reason that I could think of why they are not, as usual – stretched out – each on their own couch…in front of the big screen (cinema size) movie downstairs ..not the hard carpet upstairs….with candy wrappers or empty popcorn bowls and soda pop glasses …all evidence that they had a jolly good time while we were wondering if they were okay at home. No, they were sitting straight up like Thing 1 and Thing 2 after the Cat in the Hat helped cleaned up the usual chaos their surroundings turn into when they watch something….
My husband was so in awe he went to sit down in the chair behind them to take in the moment…yes, just a very brief moment….because he fell asleep almost immediately (long day of kids’ sports, shopping at an outdoor market, playing golf with the neighbors at an indoor screen course, then dinner at the Indian Restaurant , a stroll in the trendy neighborhood and a late night cuppa in a nifty coffee shop…so, no blaming him there?!)
By now…you can see that husband got sent to bed….kids still watching!
Well – it is an hour later and they still have not come up with anything? So, I guess they just had a “we do actually love each other Mom” moment.
But it did make me think of the day we came home and they were as quiet and “together” when they said they (both) “ACCIDENTLY stepped into the paint TIN while we were out”….How on earth do you get 4 feet (one at a time) inside a paint tin…accidently?????
I post the picture – You be the judge…??!
Ilze
Enough already…
11
Mar
Phew…just one day of letting it all out on the blog…
It was not really my idea to bore the whole world with my long-winded sad stories..
But part of my idea of blogging was to get rid of all that stuff that clogged my system the past month…or year…or decade…or maybe life..???! Oh boy – that’s not good news….
In the past month my mind was so scattered that I often came sitting in front of my computer with so much on my mind…but not feeling the energy to go out there and tell the world…and that’s a first… !
So, sharing it in cyberspace was a good idea – even if just pretending someone cared and someone listened.
Untill  today – I got my first follower (whom I may have scared away already with that load!!) – but WOW !!!! Thanks Kimberly – you made my day ! Even if you just followed me for a day and listened to what I had to say. You were the first – so, special in my eyes ! Hope to hear more from you.
So – enough said for today.
Will be back soon….with something that will require audience participation over the next few months – or it will never materialize …more later !
Ilze
Puppies and People … one painful period in the passing….
11
Mar
Getting two new puppies last month……So – WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT?????!!!!!!
……THAT – I can assure you, was not MY idea ..but it is THE BIGGEST REALITY of my life at this moment??! And to try and even begin to describe how my idea of owning a dog has changed over the past month to the most extreme ends on both sides of the pendulum is impossible, but I will try…
Seven years after discovering for the first time, my son’s intense longing for a dog, we finally gave in.
Previous reasons such as…you are too small to take care of a dog, we move too many times, we are gone for a months at a time on holidays, we live in an apartment (once did but no more) …..and the list goes on…..just did not seem justifyable anymore? Especially since he was joined by 2 sisters who now also have longed to have a dog of their own since as long as I can remember them able to express themselves in word!
My husband and kids are all animal LOVERS!!! I have to admit that I am not one. I get allergies, I dont like the licking and the hair everywhere… I dont like carrying them around feeling like you are carrying someone without underwear on..?! (eek??) I really don’t hate them…I am just personally not fond of or cuddly with animals. SORRY – I know that is terrible…but….having said that..I DO acknowledge the longing for your own pet and the incredible meaning it adds to people’s lifes.
So, for the sake of being a good mom as I always strive to be – I too could not bear not giving them the opportunity to have a pet to care for. And asking my son one evening at bedtime, shortly before Christmas, “…Is there anything you think you will say ” I really regret not having…..when I grew up…..??? And his answer…..Need I even say?
As a christmas gift to the 3 of them together, we promised to get a dog as soon as we were back in the country where we live. The excitement and joy was overwhelming. Already a year ago, the dog even got a name from my son…..he would be called Humphrey!
Finally came time to get them..and my husband had another IDEA…. we should get TWO puppies. This way they would not be so alone the whole day when the kids are at school or when we go on holiday.
We got them about 5 weeks ago – 70 days old. Had them a week – oh my word…was that the biggest wake-up call I got about how my life would never be the same again….?! Chasing between the 2 dogs and the 3 year-old the whole day by myself…trying to save them from one another???!!
Those were the days before I started blogging, so in order to try and save my sanity I wrote my husband a 7 page letter about how my life has become a living hell…(did I mention that might be one of the reason he is so keen on me blogging everything out to the world instead of writing him letters?).
We had them only a week when diarrhea broke out…took them to the vet who confirmed they came from the breeder with the Corona Virus. An exhausting week followed with taking them in daily for care and getting them at night for there is no 24 hour fascility. And finally they were back home for the long weekend. Great – Finally a time the whole family can share the new additions to the family without a schedule…a long blissful weekend lied ahead of us. The puppies – Humphrey (the cute, little one who was our first choice and immediately got a soft spot in everyone’s heart) and Griffin (the slightly bigger, fiesty, more naughty one who tackled his brother playfully all the time and who brought energy and excitement into the home) would finally be able to get full attention in this house where they have already taken over as if they own it !
That weekend had all the promise to be a good one… a long weekend with no commitments other than wining and dining with friends and lots of family time we so crave to have during busy periods. Life is pretty much on track over here within the reality of the “downsides†we all have. Husband was away and I had to run the show over here. Not that I complain too much as he does not travel that much and we do get a little bit more done when there are fewer schedules to take into account.
So – the idea of a dinner date on every day of the long weekend sounded swell even though we were not breaking away out-of-town like most others did. The glowing sparkles from the sun on the pure white snow on the ground looked promising for a bright and cheerful weekend to say the least. On the way to our first dinner date on Friday evening, the first blow came with the news that a lifelong friend tried to take her own life… Relieved that this did not result in tragedy, the heartbreaking part was that I could totally understand WHY she tried to do that. But the sadness and desperation in this whole act is nothing to party about and so the party mood started to wean a little bit. Hours on the phone with her family kept me up in the night and worries over her condition stressed me out…not mentioning the fact that she also runs a business for us which now needed alternative arrangements in a country very far from where I am.
Saturday it was my turn to be hostess for a dinner party and so it was a busy day getting everything ready. Chilling with people we have not had over before was fun as we got to know everyone a little better and they were good company.
Saturday evening when all chat and laughter died down and the guests left, I made a quick phone call to check up on family just to find out that my mom had been admitted to hospital. She has entered the final phase of Alzheimer’s and has become “impossible†to deal with at home. This resulted in her being admitted to hospital in an attempt to get her on medication to calm her down to enable her caregiver and my dad to cope with her for whatever lies ahead in this final phase. Long conversations across the globe kept me up till 2 in the morning again and even after that it was extremely difficult to sleep. Stress kept mounting up as many decisions has to be taken in these times of an Alzheimer patient’s care. They administered medication that resulted in other physical inabilities that suddenly set in and seeing her over Skype not able to stand upright any longer and walking sideways and unbalanced threw me completely off to say the least….
Sunday morning I got a call from our temporary helper (the whole reason why we have a temporary one is a BLOG on its OWN…about my runaway nanny – but that later!)….. She slipped on the ice on Saturday and broke her back and this would mean the end of work for her…..and 6 months in hospital on her back at least??!!! What sad news…
Going downstairs to share the news, I found my sobbing daughter sitting next to the pups watching over them as Humphrey’s condition again deteriorated. Extensive tests were done and Monday morning we got a call from the vet who diagnosed Intesucceptus (large intestines going into the smaller intestines and cutting off blood supply) and this resulted in a 4 hour surgery and astronomic fees …but most of all sadness about this new puppy having to go through all this ….
Humphrey never recovered after surgery and after 2 days of intense anxiety and fading hope I got a call to tell me that he passed away… This after the little one prayed for him (and immediately declared – he’s fine now?! …..and then just gave a bit of advice that we should put a band aid on and he will be perfect !…. not getting the reality of any of this….
Oh – the SADNESS of all this was overwhelming on everyone. My husband came home late that evening and we could just cry together over our glass of red wine at the kitchen table – not only for our own pain and heartache (see – by this time even I had been converted to love and adore them since they were so cute) ….but also to feel the pain our kids were having over this joyous occassion of getting puppies that has too soon turned into tragedy?!
Sunday was a day of feeling exhausted..emotionally drained and the effect of 2 nights with hardly any sleep kicked in ( and I can get by with VERY little sleep). An evening at the neighbors for a wonderful meal calmed the senses but the effects of my mood was lying heavily on my shoulder.
On the day Humphrey died, Griffin also went back to hospital and only now – 2 weeks later – looks like he is becoming a healthy dog again….
This had been one of the most emotionally exhausting few weeks of my life and the dog, the helper, my friend and my mom are still recovering…some of them may recover fully and some may not…and some definitely will not….but life moves one and I am hoping that it will just get better.. and I hope that blogging will help me move on after this sad reality of how we have our own little ideas and then life takes its own little twists and turns… getting it out there, certainly helps !
During the day it is now only me and Griffin here at home…. our Humphrey who had a name and place in our home and hearts long before he even lived here…is not with us anymore…and we are still thinking about the idea of replacing him…we are not yet at the point of a final decision about that as we are all still recovering from this painful period (and the massage I got to forget about it..) …so, we will see and i will be back blogging about that.
Griffin – chewing on the carpet…My IDEA of this beautiful white doggy on the white carpet in front of the fireplace as the family sits around quietly…was soon replaced by the reality of the dog chewing, poo-ing and vomiting on the beautiful white carpet!! Life will never be the same again…Reality has hit home ?!
Ilze
Massage Madness
11
Mar
Ok – this WAS actually MY idea…. the reality just went terribly wrong on this one..?!
And I was not planning on sharing this picture of my lower back, but just stumbled across it and decided why not? This IS my reality – 10 days AFTER I had a brilliant idea…and all the pictures before this were actually too bad to share with others..
See – I had a pretty rough month. A lot of things happened to people and things around me and the compounded effect of it all caused me a great deal of emotional turmoil…and obviously the effects of stress started to take its toll on me and my body.
So what better plan, when being asked by my neighbor “how can I help?”…., could I come up with than “let’s go to a spa together…get a massage…get my body just released from all this tension and then maybe I can take life on in full again?
My wonderful neighbor agreed and off we went two days later.
OH MY WORD….. can I even begin to blog about all the things that went through my mind while this lady was working her way through my muscles?? I was in PAIN…and no ordinary pain..I was DYING there?? Not able to communicate in the same language at all I tried various gestures of PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go soft on me..you are KILLING me?! And even though she nodded and agreed everytime…. I was trying to figure..how is it possible that I can almost not bear her hands on my body?! She used some sort of glass stick / rolling pin and I was thinking – I hope she does not crack my spine or something while doing that?! I thought of stopping her several times..but then it would have been the $120 paid for the massage go to waste and I could not figure out if it was just ME who was having a problem here..surely they do this on a daily basis to hundreds of people and I have been to massages in my life.. one of the things i actually LISTED as something I like so much !!
After several attempts to slow her down and asking my neighbor (who had a different masseuse but in the same room) if she is surviving…she said…”man, it’s tough !?….so, I thought..okay – she is also suffering but holding out, so maybe I am just a big sissy or my body is in such total spasm that this lady is seriously trying to “de-stress ” me.. and without this I might never have my body back in released shape..since it is all so stressed-up?!
I lied there thinking of all the things that had caused me stress because at that point it was actually causing me less stress than the massage I book as stress relief ?? You know how you lie in the dentist chair and try to think of all the nice things in the world just not to hear the drill and the yuck feeling you have lying there?!
Anyway – nothing worked and I had put mind over matter and was actually relieved when it was over!
Getting home that night I started cooking but felt a little tender on the back and ouchy when I push against something. I did not event think to look in the mirror, but when my husband came home that night and touched my back.. it did not quite feel as good as always, so I asked him to have a look…lifting up my top I heard this big gulp and “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF???? and out came the blackberry taking a picture in disbelief and shock to show me.. It was BAD…VERY bad ! All black and bruised all the way from my neck down my back, bottom and even down to my legs…. I could hardly lie down in bed that night !!
Earning lots of sympathy from everyone I showed…my friends all convinced me to go back and demand an explanation. Surely this can’t be right?!
Well- I tried – even if just for the sake of not sending another poor person home with a bruised body after they sign up for a relaxing afternoon of what proofed to be 2 and a half hours (yes, that is correct – that is how long the session was?!) of torture !
Well world, I am afraid that I could not help any soul out there who is still going to experience this…because the response I got:
“your body is in very weak and stressed state. This only happens when you are not in good shape….your body is going to feel very good after this and in 10 days after the massage, you should come for another one to get optimal effect. This was a Meridian massage and it is suppose to knock on your door and release you of all bad energy in you …. Okay – enough….OBVIOUSLY I shut that door pretty tight and she continued trying to force her way in…and my body does actually feel not too bad…BUT…
I don’t think the IDEA of ANY massage is to leave you all bruised and battered afterwards to such extent that your body has to fight the damage and recover your tissue to a healthy state again???
So, this time it WAS my idea of getting a blissful massage..but it was CERTAINLY NOT MY IDEA to come home…black and blue …but hey – it did take my mind off of some of my other problems…so, what do you know??
Anyone who would like to take my slot for the follow-up massage they offered me?
Ilze
Christmas in March
11
Mar
I LOVE the idea of receiving a printed christmas card in the mailbox. In the day and age of receiving everything over the internet, I absolutely admire people who take the time to go to design, print and mailing their cards to their “Christmas List”… and I am always so thrilled when somebody adds our family to their “list” !
It’s a great idea – and it inspires me greatly and yet, I have never been able to get myself into doing that to others. But, I am not going to beat myself up about that. I LOVE the idea – I hope it never goes out of fashion or use and I LOVE the fact that other people are doing it! So, bless them and hope they all keep me on their “list “!!
This morning I looked out the window and realized that those beautiful cards are still dangling in my window….and it is already MARCH ??? Maybe loving the idea does not justify that you keep them on display untill March?? (Oh – did I mention there is also a birth announcement hanging there and the baby is already 5 months old?!..)
But then again – it is still SNOWING??? …with SPRING BREAK coming up this week – surely it should not still be snowing??
So, if it’s not suppose to snow…and I can do nothing about that…I guess..I am being excused for having my cards still hanging when I am supposed to have packed them away already…?!
Maybe when it stops snowing, I will believe that Christmas is finally over – and take them down..
But for now – I will just keep on admiring the idea and enjoy the effort people had put into sending them… and THANKS to everyone who has put us on their list – I love you !
P.S – did I mention that I LOVE the idea…?
Ilze
Cheesecake Cheers!!
9
Mar
It was my sister’s idea to make a cheesecake for dessert last week. It looked SO divine on the photo she sent me that I had no other choice but to arrange an occassion so I could try it out too…so I made it for today’s playgroup luncheon at my house. Usually a cheesecake is either crappy and real easy…..or it is divine and difficult to make!!! Until my sis found THIS one…EASY and DIVINE !!
So, I tried it – little mistake when somebody put the oven on grill in stead of bake for the crust part (why did I make it inbetween the middle of making family dinner…oh yes….I know – because I always multi-task??!) …..but I sort of saved the day…scraped a little, buttered a little and things were back on track again!
Trying a new recipe is only allowed when the people you invite will be forgiving enough if it fails…you don’t want the added stress to the occassion by trying out new things with the wrong crowd?!
Long story short – we had a great time sipping coffee and sinfully having a slice of cheesecake each…..not noticing the chaos of the room around us ….the kids had by then left us for a room that was not yet such a huge mess as the one the moms got left behind in….
No, T…the recipe is not a family secret – it is actually public property on bbcfood…so I can not claim any credit and would love to share – that is how I got it in the first place…
For the recipe – click here.
As long as you promise – once you have made it – you will come back to my blog and tell me how the cheesecake came out…Then I would have had 2 visitors to my site..yeah !!
Ilze
My name is 
